why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
