I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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