Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
