I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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