there's paper in my vomit.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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