I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
