i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I want to be your penis for a week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
