I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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