Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
