had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
