I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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