she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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