I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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