The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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