I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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