If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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