I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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