dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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