Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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