happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
