glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
