Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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