my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
