I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
