he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
