After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
i need to put some appletini on your dick
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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