I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
