he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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