Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
