I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
