i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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