Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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