pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Are my feet made of real feet?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
