Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
