so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
