Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I think I won the penis lottery.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
