literally had 100 drinks last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
