i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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