I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
