and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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