We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
