so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
