i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
