Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
