Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My vagina just clenched in fear
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
