I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
