M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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