Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
