Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
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