Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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